Chapter 9

5th of March 2008, Saturday
New York

Sydney’s POV
I woke up from some kind of bad noise. It sounded as if something big had fallen on the floor. I opened my eyes unwillingly. I had planned to sleep all day long. It was Saturday and I deserved it after last night. After BBQ at Winters’ I dropped Justin to the temple and went to “Sapfo” – lesbian night club in Brooklyn. One of my bands – “Dirrty L” played there. They are five girls – two lesbians and three bi, who’re playing punk and queercore. I know they’ll never be popular, they’ll never pay their bills with the music they make and they know it too. But it’s ok for them. They just love to play concerts twice a week and I try not to miss those concerts. They are my girls. Besides the fact that I have fucked them all, I have helped them in many ways – like with finding job, getting apartment, helping to supply with music instruments when something gets broken. I’m more like “Dirrty L” biggest fan not manager. So, after their loud and angry performance I spent some time with them and then got almost perfect lip job in the backroom from some Asian chic. It was four in the morning when I came home at last. I was so fucking tired that I went to sleep with only one thought – I will sleep all next day, because for next night as usual I have some big plans. However, something woke me. Or should I better say – someone? You know that feeling sometimes when you wake up – you still feel sleepy and you can easily get back to your dreams but you want to piss badly. Fuck.
I got up and went to pee. But I stopped in the middle of my way when I saw my kitchen. It was a fucking battlefield.
- What the fuck? – Was the only thing I was capable to say.
Justin looked at me with those sky blue eyes and flashed like usual.
- I… I was just making sushi…
- You were what? – I couldn’t help but scream. I have never seen my kitchen so messy. And I fucking hate mess, and I hate when someone wakes me up at 1 pm when I have planned to sleep all day long.
- I was making lunch and… you said you love sushi. We have fish anyway. And I thought you will be…
- Fuck. – I interrupted him. – I need to pee. – I almost ran to bathroom.
I came back few minutes later. Justin was trying desperately to clean all the mess. He looked at me with guilt in his eyes.
- I will clean up everything. Don’t worry. I make your kitchen shine again. I promi…
- There’s something going over on gas range.
He turned around and cursed.
- Fuck. The rice!
He tried to take saucepan off the gas range but it was hot and he burnt his fingers.
- Fuck. – He said.
He was such a big mess that I couldn’t help myself but smile. I let him be miserable for few minutes and then decided to come on rescue. I took kitchen gloves and got rice off the gas range. Of course, rice was overcooked.
- Have you ever in your fucking life made sushi? – I looked at Justin.
- Well, I… No.
- Then what the hell? – I screamed but didn’t wait for an answer.
- Never mind. Just clean the fucking mess up and never try to cook in my kitchen if you don’t know how to fucking cook.
- I know how to cook. – He sounded offended. – I just don’t know how to make fucking sushi. But I’m learning. I printed info from net and I just need a little practice and…
- My kitchen is not some fucking training center for amateur cooks! – I started to scream again, but stopped myself. Justin looked too fucking miserable. – Couldn’t you just make something easier? Fish soup or baked fish with noodles or whatever? Something you know how to make without destroying my kitchen.
- You said you love sushi…
- Fuck. Did I tell you to cook it for me?
- No…
- Then why the fuck?
- I just… I wanted to make something nice for you. You took me to BBQ yesterday and it was nice and… And I just wanted to return the favor. Is it too fucking hard to understand? – Now, Justin was screaming at me.
I stayed silent for a moment. I just didn’t know what to say and it doesn’t happen often. Fuck.
- Fuck, birthday boy… - I said. – I took you to Winters’ because I was sure they’re gonna fucking love you and you looked so fucking miserable lying on those cushions and… Fuck. It doesn’t mean that we’re friends now or something. Because we’re not. So you don’t have to cook for me or try to please me or buy me yoghurt or beer or whatever. I accept that you live here now but don’t try to mess with me. Ok?
Justin just nodded and got back to cleaning my kitchen. Fuck, he looked even more miserable than before. Is it even fucking possible? Shit. He took rice and intended to drop it in garbage.
- You know – you can still save that rice.
- What? – He looked at me with those sad blue eyes.
- You can save the rice and still make your fucking sushi.
- How?
- Well, first of all water rice with cold water and then… Fuck. It will be easier to just show you.
And there we were – making sushi. Somehow, I didn’t even notice that time run so fast. Justin learned so fast and remembered everything I said. When sushi was ready, he just asked me:
- Where did you learn how to make sushi?
- I used to work in a Japanesse restaurant.
- Here in New York?
- In Japan.
- You’ve been to Japan? – He seemed so excited and I smirked gently.
- What’s so surprising about that?
- No, nothing. Just haven’t met anyone who has been in Japan.
- I bet you’ve never met anyone who’s been in Taiwan, India, China and Tibet. Yeah, and Korea, too.
- You’ve been in all those countries?
- I spent three years in Asia.
- But – what did you do there? – Justin was really interested.
I’m not used to telling people about my past or about my life at all. I don’t know why I told Justin anything and why I continued telling.
- Traveled, worked, meditated, learned a few things… Do you want beer with sushi?
- Yeah, thanks. But why did you go to Asia anyway? I mean – it’s quite far away from America?
I sat next to Justin on cushions on the floor and we ate sushi and drank beer. And I answered all his questions. It was somehow so natural and easy.
- At first I went to Europe because America started to seem small. First I thought about going to Latin America, but when I got to airport the first plane was to Paris so I went to Paris.
- You just fucking came to airport and just bought ticket on first plane? – Justin couldn’t believe.
- Yeah. – I smiled.
- But… I mean… You just left everything; you left your home and just went over the ocean without knowing what is waiting you there.
- It wasn’t the first time… - I almost told more then I wanted to tell. – Besides, I didn’t have a home. All I owned was an old car and a big back bag with all my stuff in it. I sold the car to buy an airplane ticket.
- You’re fucking unbelievable. – Justin smiled at me but I saw admiration in his eyes.
I laughed a little.
- You had any doubts about that!?! – I joked.
- I envy you. – Justin said. – You’re so brave. I couldn’t just go somewhere with no money, no friends.
- You’re here. In Big Apple. And you’re alone.
Justin looked at me and he was sad again.
- It’s different.
- Why? Because you have family and friends somewhere and you just left them for New York, but I didn’t have anyone so I had no one to leave behind?
Justin looked at me a bit surprised.
- How do you now my family and friends don’t live in New York?
- No ones calls you, you haven’t met with anyone since you moved in, first day we met, you told me you have nowhere to go, no place to live. And you look fucking lonely. – I took a joint and lit it. I took a long drag and gave it to Justin.
He looked at me for a moment, then took the joint and inhaled deeply. He didn’t answer me anything. We just sat there getting more and more high with every inhale. When he seemed high and relaxed enough I asked him a question that had bothered me for a while now.
- Justin…
He turned his gaze on me.
- Who died in the car accident?
I saw how he shivered a little and looked away. His body tensed.
- How do you… - His voice cracked.
- You were going crazy about me driving drunk. Twice. – I sad quietly.
- You know I was right. You should not drive when you’re drunk.
- Who was he?
- Who?
- The person who died in the car accident.
- I don’t wanna talk about it. – Justin got up and went to the window. I was pretty sure he was trying to hide tears.
Fuck. Why did I even ask? Why I wanted to find out the reason of his sadness and loneliness? Fuck, did I really care about this blue-eyed boy? Shit, I’m so fucked.
- Who was he, Justin?
- I told you – I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT! – Justin screamed.
- Well, then I guess I’ll continue driving drunk.
- What? You can’t blackmail me about that. It’s fucking stupid and childish, Sydney. And you know it.
- Who told you I’m not stupid and childish? I am. And when I’m drunk I’m even more stupid you know.
- FUCK!
He turned around and I saw him crying. He tried to hide his face with hands. I got up and went closer to him. I stood next to him and asked again.
- Who died in the car accident?
He turned his back on me and looked through the window again.
- Daphne. – He whispered after minutes.
- Who was she?
- My best friend.
- When?
- It’s almost a year.
- She was drunk or someone drunk crashed into her?
- She never drove drunk.
- Did the motherfucker in the other car die?
- No. He didn’t had a fucking scratch. But at least he’s in prison now for fifteen years.
- Were you in the car with her?
- No… But I should have been. Fuck. It was my fault. She died because I wasn’t there. I was in fucking New York playing big fat artist… Fuck. – Justin’s voice was cracking from tears.
I don’t know how it happened but I hugged him from back. I knew I should tell him it’s not his fault but I just couldn’t. It would just sound so fucking lame. I just let him cry this out.

Pittsburgh, March 5th

„Yeah, ok, so I’ll se you at 5pm. Yeah...yeah, I know the place. Oh, and, thanks again, I really appreciate you asking me to do this! Yeah, I have a pair of songs exactly for an occasion like this. Yeah...Bye!” I hung up. I had called Emmet yesterday and told him that if the offer still stands I would gladly sing at the wedding he’s organizing. He had been overjoyed. He told me that I would make this the best wedding Pittsburgh society had seen in years. I thought he was exaggerating, but hey, everybody love to receive compliments from time to time. Anyways, I had to be at the Crowne Plaza hotel for the wedding reherseal today at 5pm. There I would also meet the other musicians who will be playing. Emmet had told me in secret, that there’s particulary this one guy, who looks like an English aristocrat - tall, with raven black hair and a hypnotizing look who’ll be playing the piano. There was only one problem, he wasn’t gay! Emmet considered him the greatest loss to the gay community. When I had laughed and answered him, that all the best men were already gay, he had said „Honey, then you weren’t really looking. Take Matthew McConaughey for example! He’s straight! But this guy, oh, that ass, and those hands, how I would love to feel those hands-”
„Emmet, TMI!” I had interrupted him. He just said „Well, let’s just see what will you say tomorrow when you’ve met him. But I’ll gladly hold out a napkin for you, while you’ll be drooling! Ta ta, sweetheart!” That had been almost few hours before my brother had made his visit to the Stepford faggs as he called Michael and Ben and saw the painting. My mood changed every minute I remembered yesterday’s evening. I went to the window to see what was going on outside. It was sunny. And warm. Perfect. Except, it didn’t feel like it at all. Every time I closed my eyes, my brother’s painful gaze was there, right in front of me. And I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t help him. I couldn’t even touch him...
„Brian?” I asked my brother, who was still looking motionless at the painting. I stepped closer to him. I couldn’t just stand there. I had to..I had...I wanted, but I knew I couldn’t. That he wouldn’t accept it. „Brian, are you ok?” I touched his shoulder. He swung around. For a moment it looked like he didn’t know me, like he didn’t know where he was. Then he just shrugged.
„Of course I am, why wouldn’t I be?”
I just kept on looking at him. „Because of the way you reacted when you saw the painting.” I said simply.
„Why would I be affected by some cheap painting?” he replied with a are-you-a-complete-idiot look on his face.
„I don’t know, you tell me?”
„There’s nothing to tell. I was just shocked to find out that you even spent 100$ on a shit like that. I mean come on, you can’t even tell what’s in it! It’s all gray and blurry, so depressing-,”
I interrupted him. Did he really think I was that stupid. „Yeah, better to buy paintings with naked men, that’s art!”
„Now you’re talking, maybe you’re not so stupid after all!” he finished by putting his hand on my head and tumbling my hair.
„Stop it! You may insult me in whatever way you wish, but it won’t work. I saw your face just now,” I noticed his eyes changing, trying to look at something else except me, I continued,”I also heard you. You said a name - „Justin!” „
„And now you’re also a psychologist? Aren’t I just one lucky man! Where’s Mikey? Mikey? I’m hungry, stop fucking around and come here!” he started to shout annoyed.
„Michael and Debbie told me. About Justin...” I said loudly. And now I saw how a face looked if looks could kill.
„What...do...you...know...about...Justin?” he asked coldly.
„I know what he did to you! I know that he broke your heart! And I know that he chose his career instead of you!”
„HE DIDN’T CHOOSE HIS CAREER OVER ME! It was ME who told him I wouldn’t let him sacrifice his life because of me! I sent him away, so shut the fuck up, because you don’t know anything!” he shouted.
I stood still. He had come so close that I felt his chest lifting as he inhaled.
„So instead you sacrificed yourself...” I said quietly. He didn’t say anything for a moment but his expression changed to unreadable. That’s when Mikey came in.
„Sorry it took so long. Ben had put-,” he stopped when he saw us.
„Ah, the newfounded life advertiser!” my brother spoke sarcastically with a sneer.
Michael looked lost. „Wh-„ but my brother interrupted him again.
„WHO gave you the right to tell strangers about my life, ha?!” he shouted.
„Lynn’s not a stranger, she’s your-„ Michael started to say calmly, not affected by my brother’s shouting.
„DON’T. EVEN. SAY. IT!” then he turned his anger towards me again. „And you, stop pushing your nose where it doesn’t belong, understood? No matter what you’ve been told, it isn’t your business!”
I didn’t reply anything. I wouldn’t agree but I also wouldn’t say now, that I did.
Then Michael started to talk, breaking the silence that had put it’s blanket over the room.
„Brian, stop pushing her away. I know how you feel, I know what you’ve felt and I know that it hurts. But maybe-,”
„Maybe what?” my brother snapped.
„Well, maybe Lynn can help you.”
Brian Kinney just laughed at that. He had a beautiful smile. If he would smile from his heart, with happiness, not with sarcasm, he would rival the warmth coming from a warm summer’s sun. „By doing what?” he asked incredulously,”by singing her cry-baby songs? By following me around always? By hugging me and clapping on my shoulder? No thanks, I can live perfectly fine without it.”
„Why not by just being there when you need someone?” I said quietly looking my brother right in his proud eyes.
„I don’t need anyone! Haven’t you realized it yet?” he asked back.
„No, it’s you who hasn’t realized yet, that he can’t always be alone.”
„I’m not alone always. I’m alone when I want it. When I don’t want it, I just go to Babylon, find some guy and fuck his brains out.”
„And what about family?” I asked.
He shook his head and raised his eyebrow. „What about it?”
„You really don’t understand, do you?” I asked back with a sigh. „It’s not just about you. I need you, too. You’re my brother, you’re a part of me! I want to know that I can be there for you and that you’ll be there for me. I want you to be my family!”
„You only think, you need me,” he said, coming closer again,”I’m just your fantasy, something you imagined as a little girl while lying in your bed. Now, grow UP! Fantasies don’t come true, they never do! No matter how much you would wish for something, with each day you realize it will never come true! It’s just day after day, an endless time line.”
„Is that how it feels for you?” I asked him, and he looked surprised. From the corner of my eyes I saw that Michael had left the room, „do you wish for him to come back to you so much that it has taken every hope away from you, seeing that he doesn’t?”
He closed his eyes. I saw that he had become tense again. „And he won’t. Ever. So it’s no use to mention it!”
„How do you know it? Have you talked with him?” I persisted. I saw that his shoulders were slumped and that he was fighting something, something that was inside him. God! Did he love this Justin that much?
„No. But there isn’t one person in this world who would want to be with a killer.”
A killer? What was he talking about.
„What are you talking about? What killer?” I asked, frowning. My brother raised his eyes to look at me and I saw all kinds of emotions in them – pain, regret, loss, but what’s the worst – emptiness.
„Me.” He just said and walked to the window.
„You? But you aren’t a killer. You haven’t killed anyone!” I said fastly. It wasn’t real. He wasn't...
„Maybe not with a purpose, but it was my fault which resulted in death and that makes me a killer.”
„But,-„ I asked but was stopped by him turning from the window to look at me.
„Tell Michael I’ll pass. I’ve decided on a diet today!” And after this he started to leave.
I shot up from the couch, where I had apparently sat at some time during the conversation.
„Wait!” I run after him, touched his arm. „You can’t go now, what happened, what was your fault?”
„Just... Stay out of this!” And then:” And don’t go out alone in the dark, stay out of trouble!”
His last request had surprised me. While I tried to figure out what he meant with it, he had already left.